Watch where you’re putting it

Can you see me now?

So, I was, like, minding my own business and looking for a space in the crowded lot when a bunch of codger cagers careened into the store playing demolition derby before slamming the checkout aisles with their monthly cartloads of Milk of Magnesia.

They were everywhere, tossing their Mercury Medicare and Toyota Lamerys through the grocery lot like Evel Knievel on acid, a crock of emotionally compromised geriatrics with their support hose in a twist over some political malfeasance or ... I don't know, just the state of the economy and country as a whole.

I knew to look out for these people because, let's face it, I'm one of them.

But I digress. I was minding my own business trying to park and watching these people narrowly missing each other when I spotted an open space. Naturally, I pulled a narrow U-ey -- the Blast is amazingly mobile -- and headed for the space when I was beaten to it by a old coot in a Ford Exploder who only then realized that the space was already filled by one of those BMW-made Aston Mini cars.

Wow, that was close! Could have been auditioning for one of those Allstate Insurance commercials.

That got me to thinking. What's the proper way to park a motorcycle in the mall lot when the spaces, like interpersonal relationships, suffer from all of the good ones being taken and the rest being handicapped?

You pay your taxes, your license fees, take your space

Do not park at the front of the space, it's quite possible that Roy Rodgers in his Expo will pull on you what he nearly did on Mr. Mini in the Food Lion lot. Park, instead, near the end of the lot where the ass-ends of the cars are and  where your bike can be easily seen.

Sounds good, but what about the assterisks who cruise through the lot, find two open spaces end-to-end and decide to make a short cut passing through?

How do you spell "w-h-a-m?"

Personally, I prefer to park in a space that has one of those little curb medians with a lightpole or a tree that the lot owner will cut down once it gets to big and blocks the view of the stores and signs from the road. That way, people can't pull the cut-through routine.

The other thing you can do is keep a Waste Management-approved high-viz vest in your bags. The same hi-viz vest that protects you when the idiots are out of the asylum and out to lunch on U.S.29 can be wrapped around the bike to add an extra "WTF!!!" to your scoot.

Oh, and watch for the idjits that put their car in reverse and slam on the gas without looking up from their text message, which they can't read without their reading glasses and have, instead, brought their fist to the eye and are peering through the center of it to change the focal length of their retina. They'll crunch you in an augenblicken.

See and be seen; It's important whether you're moving or parked.